Why do people ask questions that they clearly do not want to know the answer to? For example, why ask me how I am feeling when you know that if I say bloated, gassy and/or horny you will be appalled. The truth is you want me to say, “I’m fine and you?” because you really want to believe that that is the case and you can go about your day without any reason to fear that I will go crazy, flip out and take you with me. Unfortunately, real crazy people never tell you that they are crazy.
I take a lot of flack from people because where I am from you do not ask strangers “what’s up” or “how you doing”. We don’t ask because we don’t really want to know and do not want to open the door for you to tell us. Have you ever seen the movie “The Invention of Lying”? The premise is that everyone in the movie tells the truth all the time because lying has not been invented yet. One of the best exchanges in the movie goes like this.
Ricky Gervais – (walks on the elevator) Hey/Good morning. How are you?
Jonah Hill – Alright I guess, I mean I tried to kill myself again last night.
Ricky Gervais – (clearly uncomfortable)
That is why I don’t ask everyone. I don’t care how you are doing. I don’t want to know that you had a rough night last night. We are not friends. In fact I probably would not talk to you outside the office if we had not been in the same elevator or we had not made eye contact which made pretending like I don’t see you impossible. The point is that we really don’t want to know what is going on in the lives of our coworkers, fellow shoppers, bus buddies or friend of friends and to be even more honest we don’t want to tell people what is going on with us. So we lie instead of saying what we are really thinking. We don’t say the following even though we are thinking it:
I don’t know you like that!
If I tell you I might as well say it over the intercom because you are just going to tell everyone anyway.
Hey there, nosy!
I can’t believe you just asked me that!
Pervert!
Is your life that boring?
Mind your business. I mean really, can I get some space?
I don't like you.
Actually, I hate this job.
There are any number of responses that we really want to give when people ask questions above their personal security clearance.
The other reason people ask about you is so that they will have a reason to talk about themselves or give you unsolicited advice. The thing is that I don’t want your opinion. That is why I did not ask you. I don’t want to know about your kidney stone, feminine cycle or sinus drainage. That is why I did not share. I do not want to let you in my life because then I won’t be able to get you out of my business.
However, there are times when people close to me go too far. I have an ongoing debate with someone about asking family/friends questions that you know only end up making you upset. I say don’t ask and she says she just wants to understand. The truth is she doesn’t want to know the truth because she wants someone else’s internal logic to make sense in terms of what she would do. That will never happen. Why questions just lead to more why questions and then someone is bound to get upset.
What typically happens is that she asks why the person did it, they lie because even they know the truth sounds stupid, she figures out they lied and get upset. She will then ask in a round about way hinting that she knows the truth. That person makes a last ditch effort to save the lie and then she explodes. That is totally pointless because she knows before she asks the first time that this was going to be how it ended and she was going to do the favor regardless. So why get herself all worked up? I don’t know and I don’t ask because I don’t really want to know.
(Amanda Jannan's blog, Friday, August 5, 2011)
